There's a Joke In Here Somewhere...

Ed Carpenter apparently made a "joke" about Danica. Offensive? Not to me. Unfunny and predictable? Definitely. On the other hand, apparently Dani doesn't think that Eddie's much of a character. Says she: "No big deal. Ed is a really nice guy. There's no drama there. I think it's funny. I'm glad he's showing some personality." In other words, "Who are you again? IRL driver? I don't see you much out there, and you don't get many interviews..."

Back By Unpopular Demand

My faithful readership (OK, Pablo) has pointed out that I haven't posted in quite some time. It has also been pointed out that one or two things have happened in the racing world since mid-June. I suppose that's true. So, here's what all three of you have been waiting for: The 'Geek's Take On a Wacky Month!

Firstly, yes, I knew that A.J. Allmendinger would go on a three-race win binge after getting picked up by Forsythe. That is why I arranged with Jerry himself to send me 20% of all of "Ding-Ding's" winnings for the duration of his contract in return for my insistence that A.J. get put in Dominguez's car. The only problem is that they still don't have a contract together. Oops. An oversight on my part. Possibly my deal with Dale Coyne for 7 cases of Sonny's Barbecue Sauce when Jan "Van" Heylen wins the championship in 2007 will work out better.

Secondly, I've got to backtrack to the USGP for a moment. I did not go this year, and that wasn't any sort of a protest or boycott so much as a lack of desire to spend a few hundred dollars on the weekend to watch a Renault whitewash. See, I really am a prophet! On the other hand, I was able to enjoy from home the unquestionable highlight of the weekend: Derek Daly's pre-race gridwalk. "I'm looking for Scott Speed right now. He's...not here. Might be in the bathroom. Moving up the grid, maybe Jenson Button is around... Hmmm. Nope. OK, Flavio Briatore...is surrounded by Italian TV. OK, Felipe Massa...looking for Massa...probably in the bathroom. These drivers pee quite a bit before the races..." F1 grid:1; Daly:0, in a perfect game shutout. High comedy. And for the icing on the cake, a near fisticuffs with Martin Brundle when they almost headbutted when going for a word with Bernie Ecclestone. Daly's best moment of the decade. As for the race itself, I doubt that Ferrari will maintain that pace for the rest of the season, but I'm pulling for them to show up at Magny Cours this weekend with a one-off gold paint scheme to mess with the French after the World Cup finale last weekend. Maybe invite Zizou into the garage for qualifying or something. Just something to keep things interesting before Alonso remembers how to win and rips off 6 straight to close out the season.

Thirdly, Montoya to NASCAR. Just a hideous decision. I know that there are all sorts of things that make this look like a great decision on paper: NASCAR has been looking for a marketable Latino driver, Juan is looking to get paid (which he couldn't manage in any other series in the world, short of Euro or German touring cars; all the ChampCar and IRL teams are either broke or full, F1 would have been a drive-for-nothing deal for next year with Toro Rosso), he's a fantastic natural talent who has shown considerable range in learning new cars and tracks, he's great on cold tires which will come in handy in stock cars, and he's even got a wife and kids who'll probably be happy going to the races in the NASCAR-standard 200-foot RV. He'll make a boatload of cash, regardless of results, but I just can't see this working out to more than a few Robby Gordon-style road course wins and oval top-5s. I'll just say that Juan is probably my favorite active driver (with Jimmy Vasser ostensibly retired), but I don't think that this will work when all of the Cup (and Busch and Truck) guys have been in that game since they could walk and Juan's never driven anything with fenders (except for the much-ballyhooed Tradin' Paint episode, during which Juan looked on the verge of dozing off due to boredom). He won't be a Christian Fittipaldi, Michel Jourdain or Anthony Lazzaro-level disaster, but I think that come April 2008, Juan is going to wish that he had just lobbied Chipper to run a third car in the IRL for him. Unless there's an out in his contract that allows for that when open wheel reunites...

Fourthly, Danica to NASCAR. Please. I like Dani, but she has not won a race since the Toyota Pro/Am race at Long Beach about 5 or 6 years ago. She hasn't quite come to terms with an IRL car yet to the point where she can run up front (she's helpless in the lead, and legitimately sucks at restarts), and those are flat-out all the time on most tracks. She could probably drive a Cup car, given a year or three in Busch, but I could not see her winning a championship there. Re-read my comments for Juan, and substitute in Dani, if you need to. This is not meant to be a ringing endorsement of NASCAR's claim that they've got the best drivers in the world, just the fact that those guys are bred from birth to drive stock cars. Same as Brazilians are bred to drive open wheel cars. Frankly, I just see this as an attempt to drive up Bobby Rahal's price on her next contract (no other IRL team is a realistic option for that bluff; Penske and Ganassi are full, Andretti will probably be a 3-car team for Marco, Dario and TK next year, everybody else is nowhere). She'll be back with Rahal, mark my words, unless Tony George hires her for Vision's 6 car team next year to keep car counts at 18.

Fifthly, Jimmy Spencer is a dumbass. "[NASCAR] definitely [has] the biggest fan base in the world as far as the driver's are concerned." Funny. Possibly he hasn't heard that there are 17 F1 races that run outside of the US, and that the folks in Europe (and Asia, Australia, Africa and all of the other countries in the Americas) have something of a passing interest in the sport. I think I also remember hearing him say a few years ago that Toyota would never be competetive in stock cars. Well, he got that right. Oh, wait, they've won 6 of 13 races in Trucks this year and their drivers are 1-2-3 in the points. Almost got that one, Jimmy.

Happy Le Mans Weekend to you all!

I know, in the U.S., nobody cares about Le Mans. Well, I do, so I'm writing about it. I've never been to the race myself, though my British friends tell me that actually being there is all that plus the proverbial bag of chips. Or crisps, as they'd say, if they used that phrase. I can only imagine that falling asleep (or passing out, if you're doing the full Le Mans experience) to the sound of distant (or not-very-distant) racecars, and waking up to same is pretty cool, and having a radio network completely dedicated 24/7 (or, 24/2, actually) to the race you're watching would be fairly intense, too. Or, maybe I'm just a huge geek. Hey, that's the name of this site!

Anyway, it should be fascinating to see if the Pescarolos or Courages or whatever other French prototypes that have showed up this year can run long enough to keep the Audis honest. My dough is on "no", but hopefully I'm wrong, and I'll have something to watch when I wake up tomorrow morning. And hopefully the Audis aren't 16 laps ahead by then due to only stopping once every 6 hours or whatever their increased fuel mileage will allow. GT1 ought to be pretty good, even if it's basically 'Vette vs. Aston, with a Saleen or a Ferrari as a prohibitive longshot. At least two of those four frontrunning cars ought to go the distance, so hopefully they're still duking it out into Sunday afternoon.

The obligatory Champ Car note for the weekend: Ha, ha, Carl Russo! A.J.'s on provisional pole and Cris is sucking in 10th. Guess that might have backfired a bit, huh? And yes, I'll be watching Portland after all. I know you all were on pins and needles about that one. Enjoy your weekend, ya'll.

Three notes today:

1) Hemelgarn folded and P.J. Chesson is looking for a new ride? Wha? I can imagine that losing both of your cars on lap 3 of the Indy 500 is fairly catastropic for a team that small, but when did this happen? I read nothing about it all last week, nor did I hear anything about it during the Texas IRL race this weekend.

2) Forsythe can kill two birds with one stone. Please sign A.J. Now. And thanks for getting rid of Wario while you were at it.

3) The IRL has managed to do away with thier best product that isn't named Danica or Marco: their 1.5 mile oval racing. I almost laughed during the telecast when ABC showed Scott Sharp blabbing about Texas' side-by-side, big pack racing in an inset screen while the main screen showed the Penske/Ganassi procession out in front. How many on-track passes for the lead did we have on Saturday night? To my count: zero, or roughly the same as most F1 races. I know that the one-engine program was bound to do this to some extent (not what Rusty Wallace was saying during the 500 telecast, which was that the one-engine program was "brought in to make the racing closer"; where do I start with that?), but this week was ridiculous. I fell asleep for about 20 laps at one point and didn't feel the need to rewind. That was unthinkable no more than two years ago.

OK, a bonus note: 4) Rusty, Scott and Marty are awful in the IRL booth. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, why should it take PROFESSIONAL racing commentators 12 minutes to figure out how a wave-around works? Especially when they could actually see it taking place in front of them on the track AND when they have the benefit of in-booth timing and scoring? And someone make Rusty stop spending 20 minutes of every race praising Roger Penske. We know he's a close friend of yours, and I'll give you that he's probably one of the smartest people in racing, but it does not need to be repeated at length every week. We got it. On to your next point: these hot rods are haulin'!

Are you joking?

da Matta for Allmendinger?!? To paraphrase John McEnroe, you cannot be serious. "We're going to fire the one and only American in the series and ChampCar's star young attraction in favor of a guy who might still be quick, but it's hard to tell, since he's spent the last four years 1) slumming at Toyota in F1, 2) throwing the car off the road last year at PKV, and 3) begging for money at Coyne." Well done, Carl Russo. I may own a hat that has Cris's name on it (from last year's PKV team), but you've now landed as my least favorite car owner. You shall see none of my potential merchandise-purchasing money, ever.

Disgusting. I was already considering not watching ChampCar for a while (see my last post), but now it has been wrapped up. Until A.J. lands somewhere else, or we get some other American in a seat, I'm checked out (not that I'm xenophobic; I think that a diverse background of drivers is great for the sport; it'd just be nice to have a couple home-country boys in the nation's supposed "Number 1 Open-Wheel Series") . Consider my season pass deleted from my TiVo.

A Day Late

Damn, damn, damn. I just had to go check speedtv.com before coming here to post today. Seems Robin Miller already wrote a post-Milwaukee column, so I'm gonna look a little dumb and amateurish here. I mean, even more than normal.

Anyway, I did get around to watching ChampCar at Milwaukee on the TiVo last night. I fell asleep for a good bit of it, and did not bother to rewind. The Lap 2 dust-up between Bruno (poor guy), Mario (idiot), and Tracy (innocent bystander, for a change) was as good as billed, down to PT making thinly veiled derogatory comments about Mario on the air. Good times. All we missed was a live radio feed of Paulie Walnuts calling Mario a bleeping bleep-head without the bleeps. There will be a pit lane fight between the two of them before this season is over, and Bruno will probably drop by to hit Mario with his back brace, just for kicks.

Seeing Katherine lead somewhat comfortably for a time was fun, even if it was ruined somewhat by Derek Daly wishing that Bourdais would "just let her lead for a while." OK, #1) that's a dumb thing to say, #2) he was just unlapping himself, and #3) there's no way she keeps Seabass behind her under any circumstances at this point in their careers. It was another tour-de-force by DD and Benjamin, with mis-identified drivers, self-interrupted thoughts and stories and non-sequiters galore. How do these guys keep getting work? And why did we have to wait until 18 minutes into the broadcast to find out why Tags was a non-start? How is that acceptable?

Anyhow, as bad as the telecast was, the worst part of the whole thing was that I finally focused on how desperate things have gotten for ChampCar this year. When a crash happens that takes out two of the top guys, or Dominguez forbid, three or four, the rest of the field is horrendously depleted. Having six (or nine, if you count the PKV guys, er, uh, birds, plus Tagliani) frontrunning seats with only five qualified drivers (Seabass, Bruno, Wilson, A.J., Tracy) is bad, bad, bad for this series. The only way we get interlopers in the top five is when one team nails a setup (like HVM did with Ryan Hunter-Reay's setup from two years ago for Philippe, who I still don't believe in) or there's carnage at the front. Fully eight of the drivers in the series are no-hopers right now, though Andrew Ranger, Will Power or maybe Charles Zwolsman could win races someday in the right equipment. (And don't bring up da Matta at Coyne; that's not working, especially when you get interviewed for 8th place and have to beg for sponsorship on the air as Cris did in Monterrey.) Everyone else should stay home. Including the fans. A merger is never going to happen unless it really comes into focus for Kevin Kalkhoven what is going on. Let's just say that I'm not going back to Cleveland this year to bake in the sun and watch Nicky Pastorelli and "Sh***y" Dan Clarke crash into each other.

Wow, didn't mean to get quite so negative today, but apparently this has been building for a while. But, who knows? Maybe Memo Gidley, Alex Barron, Alex Gurney and Jon Fogarty will all get offered rides from Portland onward to take the place of all of these current guys who I've never heard of before this season (and I still don't know where you came from, Jan Heylen), and we'll get Patty Carpentier back from Montreal onward. Also, I might be fielding a Formula 1 team next year out of my garage. It's about as likely to happen.

Speedgeek Fallenback

I invoke the name of my favorite ex-NASCAR driver-turned-TV commentator (since Kenny Wallace actually counts as a still-active driver), since I just got around to watching Monaco and Indy on the TiVo this weekend. IRL at the Glen and ChampCar at Milwaukee await for tonight.

Anyway, for starts, Indy was awesome. The world's most improtant race (I still do believe that, even though Rusty Wallace actually referred to it as Daytona at the end of the race before correcting himself) under the most difficult of conditions (everybody was sliding around to some extent on a hot, slick track) made for a great race. Everything was in place: defending race champ and his ex-series champ teammate vs. dominant polesitter vs. girl wonder vs. comeback legend, legend's kid, another ex-series champ, and Mr. Ashley Judd, and all on a variety of strategies. Riveting stuff. And it actually came through on the telecast, despite the best attempts of the guys in the booth to screw it all up.

I've read a couple of people who have said that the worst outcome of all those potential 8 winners was Sam Hornish Jr. winning the race. I completely disagree. People who tuned in casually and saw Marco and Michael Andretti battling for the win will also remember that guy from Ohio who actually won, I think. How can you not, when Sam made such a decisive, lightning fast and smooth move to win (though Marco cost himself the win by butchering turns 3 and 4 on the last lap; his entry to 3 was from the middle of the track, so it's no wonder that his lap 200 speed was 7 MPH slower than Hornish's)? I don't buy that the IRL absolutely had to have either Marco or Danica win. Uh, people will eventually have to find out that there are other drivers in the series, and why not learn who Sam is, since he's a 2-time series champ who drives for the IRL's New York Yankees? I think that most people know who Roger Penske is, so it might not kill the League for people to know who his drivers are and follow them to get into the sport. My $0.02.

Also from last weekend: Michael Schumacher is a dumbass. Competetive and masterful, yes, but also a dumbass. You've gotta know that you're under the microscope for anything sketchy that happens after Adelaide '94 and Jerez '97, so why push the issue and park in the middle of the track? Yes, it was a split-second decision to park, but it's not one that should ever come into your head at all, if you're worth half a crap as a driver. Too bad that that probably cost us any chance of a decent fight for the World Championship, since Alonso will never lose a 21 point lead this far into a season.

As for this last weekend, I'm stoked to watch the ChampCar race, since I understand that Tracy gets into it with Dominguez. Delightful. I'll go on record as saying that there'll be a pit lane fist fight between the two of them before Edmonton. Can't wait.

500 Weekend

Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year again. I know, it's supposedly less wonderful since 1995, but I only know of the 500 firsthand since '96, the first year I had a chance to go. Judging from what all the "old timers" say it must have been unbelievable back in the day, 'cause it's pretty damn cool now. Reducing attendance and car counts (which could/should both be helped by reunification) or not, Speedway, Indiana is the place to be on Memorial Day weekend. I'm not listening, NASCAR fans.

The short of it is that a red and white car will win this year. Nobody else is within 2 miles an hour of pole speed. Kanaan and Meira (and maybe Rice, Franchitti, Herta, or an Andretti) may be near race pace, but short of a four-car pileup in turn 1, either Ganassi or Penske get their win. I just hope that Heeeeelio, Sam, Dan (not Danica) and Scooter can battle amongst each other to make it a good race. My money is on Helio. Or it would be if I knew of a good sports book in Detroit. Note to self: check out sportsbook.com tonight.

Other racing thoughts: Monaco should be fun, if processional during the race. Qualifying should be a classic. Too many cars going for a time in too short of a session on a track with no runoff at all equals fun for the whole family.
Coke 600? Who cares. Not me, anyway. Since Daytona, I've watched a sum total of about 20 minutes of NASCAR coverage, and that was just to see what it looked like in high def. For the record, it looks great. Except that it's still NASCAR, so I couldn't be paid to care. Who's feuding this week? Boring.

Enjoy your weekend, y'all. And look for me and Ms. Speedgeek in Turn 1. I'll be the one holding the "Robin Miller for IRL Comissioner" sign.

One quick note before the weekend:

No way Paul Tracy signs a 5 year deal for Forsythe and isn't in on some info about reunification. Would he really be happy running for 5 more years against Newman-Haas, Rusport and the ChampCar pu-pu platter? Please.

Derek Daly is as awful as I remembered him from last year's attempts at doing F1 commentary for CBS. Uninsightful, unfocused and unimaginative, and that's about all I can say for now. CBS's four race F1 run can't come to an end quick enough. And "Hold on to your hollyhocks" is about the worst catch phrase this side of Budweiser/Joe Buck's "Slamma lamma...ding dong," except that that was actually a spoof on sports catch phrases. Though Derek did not disappoint, and did explain what "understeer" was about halfway through the race. Next up at Spain: why F1 teams use all of those guys for pitstops! What's up with that?!?